angel of death

and so i thought, the angel of death paid me a visit
he had that smile again
Behind his hooded cape, 
a sinister smile, revealing bits of his fangs
His eyes sparkled as his hands reached for my neck

I drew a sharp breathe as he began squeezing the life out of them
ever so slowly, my eyes fluttered shut
as the pressure grew
but then , i place my hands on his and smiling,
as i felt the pressure lessen. 

“In your hands, i shall die” 
I whispered to him, staring into his heavy eyes of death
in those eyes, i trusted this very man to kill me.

As the wind played with my hair, 
I stood tall watching my body far below
My hands brushed against his
Before reaching for it, smiling

And as i thought, the angel of death paid me a visit , 

One final time. 

Dreams

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Dreams are the most tiring things there is. 

For 3 days, I been having weird dreams and I’m tired. my mind has gone blank and i just wanna sleep well. One very particular dream that caught my attention was this

She was there. sitting on top of the building wearing a white dress and facing into the sky. the sun was on us but it didn’t feel hot at all. it was nice, the weather was nice and i was there, just staring/observing her from a distance. she turned and the wind played with her hair, she was beautiful and she smiled at me beckoning me over and patting the spot next to her. I walked towards her and sat next to her. she laughed and asked me what was i thinking about. I shooked my head and said nothing really. She shook her head smiling and held my hand. I looked at her surprised and she giggled, asking me why was i acting weird. I didn’t answer her and asked what were we doing up here. 

“Silly, we always sit up here. You don’t remember? Are you okay? ” 

she asked and looked worried. I didn’t answer her and stared into the sky and when i looked beside me, she was gone 

And the next thing i knew i was in a swimming pool drowning and i woke up gasping for air. 

It was so freaky because i am a reasonable swimmer and knowing that i would die by drowning was the limit. I can’t. this is too crazy for me. 

Confuse part 2

Now to continue my previous post, we are gonna talk about Mr B 😀 

Now this guy, he is something interesting all together. well maybe to me tho. 

I have only meet B a few weeks ago. We were thrown into the same group and i guess i just knew that i could click with him. He is this refreshing perceptive all together and not forgetting a definite smartass and a geek trapped in this young ( Well not so young ) body and it is interesting cause he practice martial arts which i do too ( Note to self, set up a sparring practice with him ) 

Me and B were on cool terms and he loved calling himself “The annoying brother you wish you had ” and honestly he isn’t that annoying as compared to my brother. Now that guy is the most annoying person there is. well here is the thing, he and i had similar experiences and it just made me feel more comfortable. It made me feel as tho someone could at least understand what i was going through and how tiring it was. After the 2nd or 3rd meeting I met him, i disclosed the fact that i was suicidal and did self harm and i was surprised at myself that i could easily tell him things that i held close to me in fear people would judge but my heart told me he wasn’t one of them. 

When Catherine died, he was the only one concerned and it felt nice while everyone else was busy telling me how sorry they are and their experiences but nobody asked about my well being. Everyone was too busy saying they were sorry and to find someone who was concerned, it was a nice feeling. 

And like with A, i was infatuated as well. I didn’t know was it because he was there or he was just that refreshing for me or did i actually really liked him? 

you should know who you are and if you ever read this (which I hope you don’t!) I just wanted to say  when you told me you wanted to pursue education and be a teacher, i didn’t laugh and smile because I doubted you but more to i was amazed that you have ambitions and it amuses yet surprises me that someone as young as you already knew what you wanted. That is kinda rare in our generation honestly and even i don’t have any of that. I’m still thinking where i should go after this and your right, your names does have a nice ring to it as a teacher and i wish you all the best in life and your right, life goes on and i should be thankful to be alive because i get to feel so much different emotions every day reminding me i am alive and well. I may have not agreed to the art of healing but like you say, life goes on. 

A parting word before i end this post, 

BOOBS! 

Confuse

Have you even been like confuse with your own feelings? 

Yes, the kind of confusion you get when your maths teacher tried to explain some weird concept to you or like when you like 2 items and your confuse on which you wanna bring home. 

Yes that kind of feeling and now instead of an item, lets put it in terms of people. 

I am confused about my feelings towards some of the people i adore. you see when 2 people enter your life and make you smile, that is when the confusion starts. 

so main character for today would be A and B ( Like typically ) 

About A

He is so weird at times and he is so nonsensical which at times can be funny and lame but when you need advices, he is really one of the best person to go too. Kinda surprising  really cause he rarely says anything that makes sense. He is so weight concious and goes on regular diet which I get to threatened him with my evil eye stare or hit him for the fun of it but overall, he is this amazing guy deep inside but a lil bit materialistic. He wants a hot girlfriend with abs and big boobs! hahaha, 

I have known A for sometime and most probably because he dated my friend and we are in the same activity group so its unavoidable. We started contacting because he was insecure about my friends relationship and asked for advice and all that till they broke up but we stayed as friends and its funny cause he has got to be the most self conscious  annoying, weird, funny, nonsensical guy in the entire world but he honestly has a very great smile which he cant see. phft, men. 

now here is the thing, maybe its because i have grown so comfortably with him or its just that he makes me smile or its because he has always been by my side when I need him, I’ve gotten scared to lose him. In a way, he is special to me. He is a blessing and I am the kind that can’t cope with losing someone. Its like plunging the knife into me. 

Maybe because of all this feelings, I could say I was infatuated with him. The kind of relationship we both have are awesome. I can talk to him about anything, be it sex, something that doesn’t even make sense or even anime and he would entertain me and we can both insult each other yet we don’t really take offence to it. well maybe a little bit cause i hate being call a bitch which i am so not. I’m fine with slut and other words cause normally I’ll just insult them back with even ruder words. 

Now done with A and onto B! 😀

A true friend/ Friends never die

And so, i began my day by watching a thai movie! There is something about thai movies that are really appealing especially in their romance! 

And so i have decided to watch a thai movie : A true friend/ Friends never die. 

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synopsis

 Friends Never Die also known as Meung Gu/ My True Friend is a 2011 Thai action-drama movie starring Mario Maurer, Kamolnet Reungsri, Monchanok Sangchaipiengpen, Natcha Chantapan, Nawapaiboon Wuttinanon and Patomtad Sudprasert directed by Atsajun Sattakovit. The film centers to the story of friendship between two friends that misleads them to be involved in a gangster society.

Credit: http://iheartasianmovies.blogspot.sg/2012/06/friends-never-die-mario-maurer-movie.html

This movies is so beautifully written! It really teaches you the value of friendship and i loved every second of it even though it was a sad ending and i honestly LOVE the cast! The fighting scenes are awesome, its like a bonus for such a movie with moral values. 

Honestly when i watched this, i was expecting a happy ending as most thai movie i watch have a really sweet and funny ending but this was a sad one and it made me feel as tho it wasn’t fair! He still haven’t told her he liked her! Was expecting them to be a couple in the end! Damn director! 

But honestly this movie is amazing. I feel as though i could relate to some of the things in the movie. 

Having busy parents, spending your night out, standing up for your friends. I mean, we all would have done this especially standing up for our friends and being bullied. 2 most common things we all face in life. 

I hate bullies. I think that is the worst thing you can do to someone. Why bring down their self esteem and make them feel miserable? You are just like all of us so why are you acting like some big shot? 

But i loved it when Gun ( Main actor) stood up for his friends. A rare quality in our generation as everyone cares more about saving their own ass. And i learn as lesson when the sad ending came out, always spend time with the one you love. Nobody is going to live forever so cherish every moment you have with them. Be it the good and bad memories. 

“ Song… You must remember, 

We are fighters, not gangsters.

Men fight until there’s a winner, never to kill.” – GUN 

Wise words from this men right here! 

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You are so adorable! 

So give this movie a try and trust me, you won’t regret it. You actually might end up learning a few things, like i did 🙂 

 

self harm.

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People never understood why we cut. they judge and could never see the reason why we keep doing it to ourself. I use to judge them as well till I became one of them then I finally understood. 

It started when I was younger, in my secondary school day. I started to cut myself. I couldn’t take the bottled up pain any more. I felt like dying. 

I cut for every time the pain became unbearable, I cut because I felt worthless and rejected, I cut because all of the fights I was dragged into, I cut because of the divorce, I cut because of the growing anger in me, I cut when she hits me and tells me she regretted taking care of me, I cut when I thought god had forsaken me,  I cut to feel alive, I cut because I hated myself, I cut because I was suffocating but mostly, I cut because I thought it was the only way out from the pain and problems. 

I was such a fool. God had never forsaken me. It was me who had forsaken him. He was always there for me, waiting for me to get on the right path again. 

But self harming can grow addictive. After the blade draws out blood from you, you feel a sense of calm and relief flowing through you. I knew i was hooked when i started making the number of lines longer. 

pity my parents, they always believe i was a nice child despite my stubbornness yet there i was in the room, cutting myself while they watched tv outside and making everyone believe i was okay. 

People eventually found out and made me stopped. I didn’t want too but some how, i woke up one morning and told myself i had to stop. I just had too and it has been a constant struggle to keep the knife away till this very day when i have been cleaned for over a year now. 

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Yes life is a bitch and it will always be a constant struggle but just put that knife down and remember, you are special in your own way and you’ll make it through, somehow. 

So please don’t start.