when the chance came along

Because above all else, you will regret that you didn’t love people when you had the chance. Once they’re gone (whether literally or they’re just not in your life anymore) you’ll realize how wonderful it was to have that person around, you’ll start romanticizing every memory of them and you’ll start to miss them. Really, really miss them. You know when this is at it’s worst? When you didn’t love them while you had the chance.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/the-things-you-will-regret/

while reading through thoughtcatalog.com, which is starting to become my favourite pastime now, i swear their post are amazing, superbly well written and it felt easy for me to relate too, i chance upon this and my mind started thinking.

Will i regret i didn’t love people when i had the chance?

Actually i found out this answer along time ago.

Yes, i will regret and have regretted but there is nothing i can do because i was the one who decided to let it go, to let the opportunity pass and i only have myself to blame.  I wasn’t a popular kid but i did have my fair share of suitors. They loved me and accepted me but it was i who ran away from them. It was me who told them ” your are amazing but i’m not for you ” ” I’m sorry but i don’t want this ” and many other excuses all because i was afraid of the commitment. I have always been the free bird, the one who would change when she was locked in. my ex boyfriend was hell for me. He didn’t hit me nor abuse me but he was the kind that loved giving me 5 minute report, always asking where was i and getting defensive over little things like me hang with my guy friends and he would spam my phone till it would crash and when i told him i was asleep, he still kept calling and spamming. It was hard for me because i felt like someone just caged me in and i felt like i was drowning. I couldn’t breathe at all. I tried to make it work until i found out he was trying to cheat on me and i left. I felt like that was my window of escaped. He used to always tell me he loved me to the point that it would be in every sms, did i feel it was sincere? At first yeah but after a while, nope. It felt like it was just words with no meaning.

But maybe, its not that i’m afraid of the commitment but i’m afraid of the change. This guy D, he used to adore me and he was lovely, hard headed but we could have make it work. I was convinced if the whole world turned against me, i was certain he would stand by me but things changed when he wanted us to be a couple. My response ” is status really everything? ” I said and he didn’t asked about it again. He presumed i wasn’t ready and maybe i wasn’t ready and yes, we did have our rough patches where we would fight but at the end of the day, get together again because we simply needed each other. Yet the changes i saw in him was drastic. We had a big fight and the next thing i knew, he was back to old habits and i found out about a girl he was contacting after the fight. I confronted him and things went really sour. I asked him what was the meaning of all this, he said he wanted to change but i see nothing and you know what he told me, “You aren’t even my girlfriend, just some girl ” it felt like a slap across my face. I remember trying my hardest not to cry that night. my last parting words to him ” To me, status meant nothing because as long as we had each other, status was just a label. “

Because of this, i grew wary, the only guy who i could see a future with, left me just like that because of status.

much love,

xoxo

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