i can’t stand how happy you are.

‘Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn’t need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don’t know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?


Clarity- zedd


i can’t stand how happy you are after everything that happened, after you left me with the pains and the memories. 

You seemed so happy that i end up believing you don’t remember me any-more, that i am a past memory you would willing forget just like that and it hurts me because i realize how much lies came out of your mouth. 

So much me being your twin, your best friend and so much for being able to read each other like a book.  Everything was a lie wasn’t it? I hated myself for believing you were different and thinking you would stayed but in the end, you left just like them. 

and yes, thanks to this, i don’t want to get closer to people any-more because in the end, they are just going to leave like you so why bother? Keep them at a distance and i won’t get hurt right? 

I’ll admit sometimes i took you for granted and let my ego soar but that has always been the way i protected myself. I had always hated feeling so vulnerable and open but when you left, i was at my most vulnerable and that scared me. 

I hate this feeling. I can’t stand how happy you are now and yes, call me selfish but i find it unfair that I’m the only one still suffering. 



rants : girl gamer

Hi guys, sorry for the MIA-ness for the past few weeks. Been busy with hari raya outing and people coming over and of course school. Been such a drag and holla for me cause today was the last day of school. 

Today’s rant is about girl gamers! i love them, like i think they are the coolest people in the world! 

I mean you can beat a guy at their own game or complete a mission as good as the guys and that is so cool and they can go for like more than 10 hours just playing their game with minimal toilet break and the only time i would even face my laptop for more than 8 hours is when I’m doing on-line shopping or watching my drama but i do hate the feminist concept most people have on girl gamers! 

Like a few days ago, i was talking to someone who just completed COD ( call of duty) i think. Even though i didn’t complete the game, i still played it and the conversation went like this. 

Him : oh my god rai, I was up all night playing COD! The game is the bomb. 

Me : Call of duty? Yeah totally. it kept me up all night too. 

Him: Wait, you know what is COD? you play it? 

Me : LIke duh! everyone knows it! 

and he then proceed to start quizzing me on the game and to be honest, i got pissed off because it is so hard to believe that i, a lady, a women, a growing teenager plays COD? 

and after all that quizzing, he invited me to play with him one day. 


There is no way i am going to play with a guy who just judge me! like he is not going to judge me when i play with them and this i know from experience. 

So yeah, i think gamer girls are cool and i’ll show you a chart that will help you identify a proper gamer girl. 

found this on the internet and this is so true!

Lets all be realistic here, gamer girls come in all different shapes and sizes like how guys comes in different size and there are some really pretty gamer girl but if you play with this girl and she doesn’t curse or just go “Don’t hate me cause i play video game ” 

She ain’t a true blue gamer girl. 

True blue gamers curse the shit out of people and for a second there, people would think a demon has possessed our body because the amount of curses are too damn high!

now why do i say this? 

I might not be a very active gamer girl in the sense that i only play games that interest me and most of them are first player shooter game, action, adventure or fighting games like  Dead or Alive series. I would rush home just to play that but i have stepped into a LAN shop to play games like L4D 1 and 2 and i can tell you, i curse like a mother bitch and i still curse after the game is over and I’ll admit it, i have a rather foul mouth when gaming is involved for example 

me : *Cursing to my heart content *

Friends : chill it is just a game. 

Me : Chill?! that mother of a useless bitch just tried to kill me. I’ll slap the living daylight out of him * continues cursing and mumbling to myself  while playing the game* 

My friends were speechless and now i think they have grown use to it because if we play a game all together, they just let me curse or even curse with me and let me cool down before talking about how the game play was. It takes a few minute for me to get out of my gaming zone to my normal less foul mouth state. 

but whatever it is, girl gamer are the bomb and guys should start respecting them because they can whoop your ass and treat them like a fellow gamer as well, not just some random chick who plays video games for attention. Not everyone is like that. 

Love you guys!


A blessing in disguise

To miss joy,

Thank you

Thank you, thank you for everything and i wish i had a picture of us to post and make this page look pretty but sadly i don’t .

when i first entered counselling, i honestly though that it was going to be a boring mundane module and honestly had no motivation to go through with it until i meet you, the most amazing and heart warming facilitator. Ever since day one, you had always tried to get to know us on a personal level and i am really glad you did.

I am pretty sure that you have impacted majority of us in class in one way or another and i am really grateful that i had you as my teacher because you became a source of motivation for me. You have impacted my life on a very large scale because if i didn’t have met you, i wouldn’t have any goal in life. I was just getting by and making sure i was going to get my diploma but apart from that, i had no other plans for my future but because of your constant encouragement and compliments and how you went on teaching with the lesson, by constantly making us put ourselves in the client shoe, you widen my perceptive and made me think of starting a career in counselling and when we had our talk outside of the class, you made me more encouraged with your words.

Like cheeqs said, counselling is you, miss joy. Someone who helped us through our tough time and making a safe environment for us to let out what we feel and having a facilitator with a human touch who empathize with us really made a huge amount of difference and knowing that you are helping us through our dark times and moving forward with us really made us  motivated us to do well and you are honestly a blessing in disguise.

I feel that in rp, most facilitator has started losing their human touch as i would call it as they don’t bother so much about the student on a personal level but i really am glad that you made the effort because you impacted me and yes, there are tough times during this 15 weeks when things weren’t going my way but knowing that you were there to listen and give encouragement, i felt at peace and was able to slowly overcome it. You have made an environment so safe where your student are comfortable to share anything with you and i enjoy having a conversation with you, miss joy because every time we talk, you motivate me further and open my mind to so much things.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you miss joy. Thank you for teaching us and being there for us when we were going through a tough time and being the most amazing and heart warming person i have ever met and for telling me that i am good enough. you are awesome and don’t let anyone tell you differently.

your truly,

rai 🙂

(ps, i am sorry we lied to you! hehehe. Do forgive us! )

Preparation for hari raya!

Before any great festival or celebration, there is always the preparation part! 

and this is mine! 

so during ramadan, there was literally alot of spring cleaning. 

like every hook, crook, nook of the house would be cleaned and you will be amazed at the amount of dust collected from this places and it was super tiring and because i have a very sensitive nose, i tend to sneeze and cough alot which made me feel sick and because spring cleaning is a family thing, everyone in the household eventually fell sick as well. 

So apart from spring cleaning, what else do we do? 


i just love following my mom around when she wants to buy the kueh and getting free tester in everything! 

Hari raya kueh is basically like biscuit or treat of hari raya which some people make themselves while others may prefer to buy. since we were so busy to make them this year or any other year and because we don’t have an oven, we usually buy them. 

One of the most popular kueh that everyone loves would be 


which is the malay name for it while the English name is pineapple tart. 

now i do believe everyone loves these in no regards to your race because i know my Chinese and Indian friends loves this and would ask us to bring some over sometimes. 

and during hari raya, for every house i go too, i would taste their kueh tart because i love it and i end up deciding whose house has the nicest and would tend to eat alot more because i’m sure they have stock and they won’t mind me eating more. Its part of the festive spirit 🙂 ( more like my tummy spirit ) 

in preparation for hari raya, 

we tend to makes change to ourselves to look good or more presentable! like for me, i got a new hair colour and a hair cut which makes my hair seem to short now * cries * 







Everyone has been telling me i have paramore lead singer hayley willams hair colour but no! i don’t!

MY hair is actually a mix of red and pink especially in the sunlight so my hair is awesome. Just short but at least it is healthier looking! 

I actually bought new shoe and a clutch bag as well which i just found out today that the inner zipper is slightly spoilt and will return it to where i bought from soon but dilemma cause i need it for hari raya. 

The reason why i actually had to buy new bag and shoe was because i reused my bags for hari raya for the past 2 years and apparently i get really annoyed when i have to stuff another bag in the car just for my make up because my clutch couldn’t fit anything but my phone and lipstick and i guess i have really bad luck with shoes or my feet is constantly growing because every year, either i can’t fit into last year shoe because it is too small or the heel is slanted. 


the best part, everything matches with my Hari raya clothes this year and i am super raya ready! 


love you guys!

Eileen Gillespie - Likes


the start of hari raya!

Hi guys!

guess what day it is?! 

It is finally hari raya! 

For those who do not have muslim friends or have always wondered about it, 

let me give you the thrown-down and low down! 

After 29/30 days of fasting, the day of celebration comes which also marks a new month on the Muslim calender which is not surprising because in an asian country, most religion tend to have their own calender and we are no exception. 

if you guys have muslim friends or neighbour, you would typically hear people say ” SELAMAT HARI RAYA! MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN ” which is basically us telling people have a great day of celebration and we seek forgiveness from you. 

now you might hear some say Eid al-Fitr or eid mubarak which actually basically means the same thing but some people just have different version of it. 

now i got this off wikipedia : 

Eid al-Fitr marks the end of the fasting month of Ramadan. This has to do with the communal aspects of the fast, which expresses many of the basic values of the Muslim community; e.g., empathy for the poor, charity, worship, steadfastness, patience etc. Fasting is also believed by some scholars to extol fundamental distinctions, lauding the power of the spiritual realm, while acknowledging the subordination of the physical realm. It also teaches a Muslim to stay away from worldly desires and to focus entirely on the Lord and thank Him for his blessings. It is a rejuvenation of the religion and it creates a stronger bond between the Muslim and his Lord. After the end of Ramadan, is a big celebration of Eid.[15] That of which is a very important Islamic tradition.

credits : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eid_al-Fitr

basically in my own words : 

Hari raya is the day of celebration and a new month for us, we get sad when ramadan leaves because although it is tough to fast but there is a certain beauty behind it. We grow closer to our god religiously and we learn how to become a better person to those in our community and around us. We learn patience , we learn empathy for those who do not have much and we count our blessing and we do good deeds and one of the few compulsory ones are zakar fitra as zakat is one of the pillars of islam and we give it to our local authority who handles all this funds and they will hand it out to people who need the money. 

zakat plays a very important role in the development of the bonds of community. The rich are obliged to come in direct contact with the poor, and the poor are put in contact with the extremely poor. This contact between the various levels of society helps to build real bonds of brotherhood and love within the Islamic community and trains those who have, to be generous to those who do not have.

I seem to talk alot about my religion right now but i just want to tell you guys how things work. Like During ramadan, it is compulsory for everyone to pay zakat and fast unless you are sick, having your period or at times pregnant and after this, its celebration and only on the first day of hari raya, no one is allowed to fast. 

SO what happens during hari raya, 


which be my top 3 words. 

Like chinese new year, during hari raya, the elders or married couple will give out green packet containing money to those who are not married and kids. 

During hari raya, people wake up late or last minute spring cleaning, after 1pm ( usually after our hari raya prayers ), everyone will get ready and we will starting visiting people houses where we get to eat and it is most important that you go to the elderly house first because they are the most important ones followed by the younger generation and this celebration actually stretches from a month so we got plenty of time to get fat with good food! hahahs. 

i will actually stop here for now and do another post where i would have done my visiting and at least i could put some colourful and pretty pictures for you all to see. 

I would like to wish everyone Selamat hari raya, maaf zahir dan batin. i wish to seek forgiveness from everyone of you if my words or language has offended anyone or belittle you, i sincerely apologise from the bottom of my heart and i love you guys! 


long story short

Hi guys, 

i know i haven’t blog in like a while and yes my exams were over so technically i had more free time but 

Hari raya was coming so i had alot of chores to do and i have been sick for more than a week now. 

sounds more like excuses right but do not worry, every single time i feel a need to blog and i have a topic in mind, i usually scribble it down on my handy dandy notebook! doesn’t that remind you of blues clues? 


I totally grew up watching this show and yeah, i liked it and it honestly believe blue was a boy until someone told me it was a girl. 


anyway here is the list i came up with 



so yeah, long story short, i got my list all ready and you can expect to see more rants! hehe! 

love you guys and thank you for being patient! 


Ramadan day 10, 11, 12

Hello my lovely amazing readers, i know i have been lacking in a lot of post lately and i am really sorry but exams were around the corner but it has ended and i have more time now (YAY!) and school is tiring me out as well as fasting.  Forgive me will you?

anyway for the next 3 ramadan days i am about to write, i will mainly put them in point form because i can’t really remember what happened and i have soo many things i want to share with you guys about this week!

so let’s start off with friday, ramadan day 10

so i skipped class again because i wasn’t feeling well and went for Judo only, it was fun because we had randori (open mat ) and some funny things happened like during randori, we normally switch partners so meaning i went through like 3 rounds of it and basically today was more physical training and they did tyre flipping while i couldn’t do because of my in juried shoulder so randori made me feel  better and what was funny was when me and corriene spar, we both kept head butting each other because we were the same height and we couldn’t see our legs because everything looked like a white blur but she managed to win me because she knew how to do the techniques while i was still struggling. After training, i was happy till i checked my phone and i felt so low suddenly, it was my cousin’s 7th death month anniversary and i felt like crying because i missed her and i decided to go home first. One of the nicest thing was my eyecandy actually asked if i was okay and i had to lie and say yes because i wasn’t ready to tell people why. Called Ikha and we talked taking my mind off things. Went to buy cat food and dad called asking if i wanted to go my auntie’s place which i said yes and hurried home, bath and changed and waited for my parents to picked me up. It was then that i realized i couldn’t put my right foot down properly and limped and my wrist started hurting me like crazy, i literally couldn’t twist it. ANDDDDDD i saw pretty boy when i wanted to change and oh my god, i miss him and if it wasn’t the fasting month, i would have hugged the living day light out of him but too bad it was!


went to my auntie places and had a chill out session while hearing my parents and aunt talk about their day in malacca!

Now onto day day 11~

I went to my dad’s side for iftar! Like finally because all this while it has always been my mom’s side and it was good seeing my cousins.

Now what is iftar?

Iftar is basically when we all get together and break fast together.

It is really fun especially with your cousins who you haven’t seen in a long time or with your friends!

The one thing that i enjoy during iftar with extended family is the dining table will be filled with all kind of food! From noodles to rice to dessert to even starters like porridge. Its like after a 12 hour fast, coming to a place and seeing the table filled with food kinda makes you feel grateful for all the things you have in life. Like I’ve heard some families in my country or other country that only have dates or porridge or even less than that to break fast with and it’s saddening and it also makes you more grateful for what god have given you and you start to cherish things more like for this year,i don’t get to breakfast with my family often because i have training on 2 days and on weekends, sometimes i help my friend at her baking job. Out of 7 days, i can only manage to break fast with my parents for like 3-4 days only and of course my parents have their own things to do and time is limited but  when you get to sit at the table with your family and extended family, you start cherishing more and you really realized how blessed you are to always have food on the table. The day ended well and on a happy note because everyone ‘s tummy was filled and we completed our prayers together.

now day 12 was finally a stay home sunday!

I just love stay home sunday because i get to stay home and be in my PJ for at least half of the day and sleep in! That right there is alrd a blissful life. SO since it was stay home sunday and my mom had to work, i managed to help my mom clean part of the house and was exhausted by the time she came home. We then decided what to eat while my father headed back to sleep because he works the night shift and it tires him out like alot . SO me and my mom were talking about what to eat when i kept telling her to just order mac or KFC and my mom went like ” NO! I am home and for that we shall cook ” .

I dread hearing those words because i have to help but i wont be helping her cook, instead i would be washing the dishes and hearing her nag or sing some oldies song which to her ” Makes the cooking taste nicer ” well who could argue with a mother’s logic right?

So she ended up cooking PASTA! Like finally! I prefer my mom’s pasta over mine because it has the spicy asian flavour in it and mom’s cooking is always yummier than anyone else cooking 🙂

well she lose out to my aunt in terms of tom yam and to my grandpa in terms of chili crab and to my grandma in term of sambal goreng but doesn’t mean i love her cooking any much less.

So thats all for now you guys, nothing much happened on stay home sunday because after we ate and did our prayers, everyone just became a fat cat and laze around.

Love you guys!