it’s depressing.

it’s depressing and it is painful, 

i started this wordpress to let out all the sadness i felt in my heart and from there, i started to write all that was on my mind. 

and the good news is my birthday is coming! i was born on 7 December but the sad thing was i am no longer spending my birthday skyp-ing with Catherine, my beloved deceased cousin. 

it is sad, it is painful and it still brings me to tears till this day. 

i am scared that on my birthday, i’ll wait by my laptop hoping for a miracle that has been long gone. 

I just want to hold you close one more time, to tell you i am sorry for everything and how i couldn’t protect you from yourself and how i miss you and wish you were still here. It’s painful, it really is and i hate having to let you go.

i honestly never wanted to let you go, i still want to hang on but it is impossible right? 

Till this day, i refuse to remember the day the phone call came, the day they told me you were gone and the day they told me that you killed yourself. i refuse to remember the conversation and how many times i dreamt of you because all this is too painful and i am trying so hard to make it seem i am okay, i am trying hard to be happy when there are days i just want to break and ask myself why did i let it happen. 

All that i want to remember is us sitting on the rooftop, counting the starts and making lame jokes and getting screamed at by our parents telling us to get down. 

Those are the only memories i want to remember, nothing else apart from that. No sadness, no heartache, no tears and no pain. just pure happy memories where you and i are smiling and laughing, where the cold night breeze was sin our hair as we laughed the night away. 

Everyone is sad on the inside but some people are just better at keeping it hidden when it is tearing them apart and they are trying to make themselves seem happy because they hate having to explain themselves. 

some days, i just tell myself i can’t be happy because you aren’t there and then i realized how stupid i sound and start crying all over again. 

on the side note, i am sorry for the depressing post but i just had to let it out. i hope you guys do have a great weekend and chin up okay? The weekends are coming 😀 

love you guys!