But i didn’t have the courage

Hello Munchokins,

For being away for so long and also for being lost on my own wordpress, i swear to god i was literally lost. It looked like everything had changed but maybe it hasn’t really.

Before we start, please kindly watch this video here because i will be talking about it somewhat, i mean the topic is related and yes, IT IS KPOP.

It goes round & round, why do I keep coming back
I go down & down, at this point, I’m just a fool
Whatever I do, I can’t help it
It’s definitely my heart, my feelings but why don’t they listen to me
I’m just talking to myself again, talking to myself again

A couple of years back, i met someone who did stole my heart but i kept him hidden because i didn’t want the world to know who he was. We were not in a relationship but we hanged out and we were friends but at times it felt more than that and i admitted my feelings for him. I told him that you have always been on my mind and he said the same thing, it should have been the happiest day for me but let me clarify this first, we were not a couple. We admitted but we didn’t jump straight into it. We wanted to take our own sweet time and so we were clearly dating.

Cat actually met this guy before and she hated him from the moment she saw him, she kept saying he will be my downfall and true enough he was. Things were good at first, the honeymoon period but so after that, things changed so drastically. He stopped caring about me and everything was growing one sided where i would do anything to see him smile but he stopped doing the same.

It was killing me on the inside, i was sad and very unhappy and yet, i still cling on like a fool. I admit now i was foolish but how long can someone hold on to someone who doesn’t see their existences.

I didn’t have the courage back then, i didn’t have the courage to leave, i didn’t have the courage to ask him why have things changed and i certainly didn’t have the courage to ask him how he truly felt.

I remember one day, on a rainy evening, i finally left and i started thinking to myself, is this karma? I used to date people and majority of the time, i left without giving anyone an explanation, i didn’t bother giving them the closure they needed. I just left and i was doing the same thing now expect the tables have turned and i was in the spot that needed the closure.

And needless to say, he didn’t bother coming to find me and when i heard this song, so much memories came flooding back and i am thankful that part of my life is now over and i can keep moving forward.

xoxo,

Mariam R.

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