your cold hands

I dreamt about you, its been 5 years since you left.

The pain has always been there but i got better coping with it but i dreamt of you.

We were on the rooftop, the same one where we would laugh making stupid jokes with the moon, where we got screamed at to get down or we might break our neck, where the night was beautiful and serene not filled with sadness.

I saw you, looking at me while i cried, feeling an enormous amount of pain in my chest, sitting there facing you and you looked the same, as beautiful as you always were.

I remember how cold your hands were, how they brush against my cheek and how you look almost apologetic.

I remember telling you how painful it was and how i wanted to die but you kept shaking your head and mouthing word i couldn’t hear making me cry harder.

I miss your voice, your laughter and that annoying groan you always made. I miss them so much and here i am, facing you but i couldn’t hear you and it was killing me but what scared me the most was when you got up and ran, past the rooftop.

I woke up scared and in tears. Its been 5 years but every dream involving you always scared me and leaves an enormous void afterwards.

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And my sadness is chocking me

Everyone has their sad days and i am no different.

However now days, i find myself chocking on my own sadness with tears streaming down my face ever so often.

Some days i clutch my chest, trying to get use to the heaviness that has settle on the hollows of my veins.

Some days the though of cutting myself seems appealing but i have came too far from those days to turn back.

Don’t get me wrong, as dead as i feel on the inside, i have an amazing support group but the thing is, they don’t understand.

They think its just another bad day that seemed to drag on and on but they can’t understand the heaviness in my heart, the tears staining my cheeks and the tightness in my throat.

The feel of wanting to disappear or even worst, to die.

I can’t seems to get out of bed to function even for work and when i come home, tears threaten to spill at ungodly hours.

They told me it would kill them if i died but what about me? I can’t stand being alive anymore.