Time change and so have my taste,

i began to realize this, after starting my first full time job.

Our type of ideal changes as we move on to different stages of our life, be it age range, a change of job or a change of environment.

When i was way way way, my god way younger, my ideal was someone cool, who could play the guitar, someone whose hair was probably the height of a tsunami with all that hair wax, someone when you walk down the street with, people will go like ” oh my god, isn’t he wow”

but when i grow slightly more older, A&F model were in, with those hot bods and dazzling commercial perfect white teeth and brownie points if he could pull off specs, like

And then came a time where korean guys were basically the cause of my rising blood pressure and nosebleeds along with my anime characters which strangely are fictional ( GOD DAMN IT)

However, as i went through stages of my life, i realized, yes i will always have a fetish for anime guys, yes i would tend to favor people who are animal lovers more than the rest and people who don’t give a shit  and also lip bitters,

but my ideal type will constantly change and i am okay with that because life moves on, people change and so does preferences.

And beside, my idea of prince charming would probably be the furthest thing from my actual date and that would be horrific but you know what people say,

“Those are where the good stories are made up off, ”

well that saying could be wrong, but we’ll just go with it

xoxo,

MR.

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” with a drink in hand, my screen lights up and your name pops out, i looked at it before turning it face down and downing my shot. i wipe my lips and lit my cigg, laughing to myself. honey, i’m trying to be sober for you but the though of losing you scares me more, please don’t come closer cause if you leave me suddenly, it’ll bring out the worst in me”

But i didn’t have the courage

Hello Munchokins,

For being away for so long and also for being lost on my own wordpress, i swear to god i was literally lost. It looked like everything had changed but maybe it hasn’t really.

Before we start, please kindly watch this video here because i will be talking about it somewhat, i mean the topic is related and yes, IT IS KPOP.

It goes round & round, why do I keep coming back
I go down & down, at this point, I’m just a fool
Whatever I do, I can’t help it
It’s definitely my heart, my feelings but why don’t they listen to me
I’m just talking to myself again, talking to myself again

A couple of years back, i met someone who did stole my heart but i kept him hidden because i didn’t want the world to know who he was. We were not in a relationship but we hanged out and we were friends but at times it felt more than that and i admitted my feelings for him. I told him that you have always been on my mind and he said the same thing, it should have been the happiest day for me but let me clarify this first, we were not a couple. We admitted but we didn’t jump straight into it. We wanted to take our own sweet time and so we were clearly dating.

Cat actually met this guy before and she hated him from the moment she saw him, she kept saying he will be my downfall and true enough he was. Things were good at first, the honeymoon period but so after that, things changed so drastically. He stopped caring about me and everything was growing one sided where i would do anything to see him smile but he stopped doing the same.

It was killing me on the inside, i was sad and very unhappy and yet, i still cling on like a fool. I admit now i was foolish but how long can someone hold on to someone who doesn’t see their existences.

I didn’t have the courage back then, i didn’t have the courage to leave, i didn’t have the courage to ask him why have things changed and i certainly didn’t have the courage to ask him how he truly felt.

I remember one day, on a rainy evening, i finally left and i started thinking to myself, is this karma? I used to date people and majority of the time, i left without giving anyone an explanation, i didn’t bother giving them the closure they needed. I just left and i was doing the same thing now expect the tables have turned and i was in the spot that needed the closure.

And needless to say, he didn’t bother coming to find me and when i heard this song, so much memories came flooding back and i am thankful that part of my life is now over and i can keep moving forward.

xoxo,

Mariam R.

It is hard,

Ever so often i asked to be left alone,
Because i am scared about what people would think of me
When they see my scares, when they see how vulnerable i can be

The though itself scares me
I, the one who is always strong
I, the one who always smile no matter what happen
I, the stubborn, the bitchy, the one who makes inappropriate jokes

am scared,

Will they still stay when they see how broken i really am,
Like a broken mirror who can’t be fix
with its crack showing

Will they stay when they see the real me?
The one that doesn’t always smile
The one that is vulnerable
The one who needs someone with her but she is afraid to say so

Ever so often i asked to be left alone
But this time, i need someone with me who won’t let go.

xoxo,

M.R

Frozen heart

Ever since the first day i talked to you,
You made my frozen heart beat
Like a frozen Popsicle
It is slowly melting

Your smile makes me smile
Why?
Simply because it looks good on you
That happiness glow
I want that too

But why,

Why aren’t you being truthful to me?
Why do people say things that i cannot see,
Why do you tell other differently from what you told me,

I, who is smitten
Why can i not see?

I, whose heart was meting froze up again,
I, who was smitten am taking a step back

Could i have been blinded all these while?

xoxo,

M.R

For the last time,

i just want to look in your eye for the last time
i just want to feel you and know that you are still here with me

The sadness, they never left
The scars they are starting to show again
And i can’t keep them hidden anymore
What do i do?

I want to run and hide but every time,
i see you more and more often
it scares me

Love, can’t you bring me with you?
The scars are scaring me and

I need you here with me,

xoxo,

M.R

I Believe it is time, to let go

Alone

you guys have no idea how many times i actually backspace what i wrote but i honestly just don’t know how to put it out there.

we have been hurt and thus, the walls were built.
As high and mighty there are, we make ourselves believe we are safe,
Safe from everything that can make us cry
But honey, you know that is a lie
The higher the walls grow, the more lonely it becomes

Just liked a caged bird,

xoxo,

M.R

Probably page 25 of 356 by now,

When i like/ love or even care for someone, your gender never plays any role in it because i have accepted you as you are and i don’t think about anything else and this is probably why when i fall for someone, i throw gender out of the window.

No one really knew what happened to us,
A lot of people assumed and even though who thought they knew
I can say that they really don’t know.
They saw us fight but did they really knew what was going on inside of us?

I never planned to write or mention about you because it is nearly 3 years and
i know for a fact that you hated me and i believe it was my fault we became like this
I was a fool to be honest, i jumped too fast and i leave too fast
And i always wondered why, why would you even stick by someone like me.

Don’t get me wrong, i have always cared about you,
Before and after everything that happened,
Through the fights and the words we threw at each other insensitively,
I honestly cared about you and i know for a fact you do read my wordpress and
I just wanted to say, i’m sorry.

I am sorry we fucked up
But i didn’t regret leaving you, you must know that
We brought out the worst in each other, the most horrible nature we have,
We brought it out of one another
I thought this was the best way for us to break the cycle.

Remember the fight we had, that changed everything,
That made everything went downhill to the point i was insensitive and you were clingy.
looking back, i realized we both never had a chance to talk about it,
We let the assumptions rule and we began tearing each other apart.
We stopped caring and let our nails draw blood.

Looking back, it was pretty painful really.
I do regret what i have said and how i acted,
I was the reason you cheated on me and
I hated the fact you were tearing yourself apart trying to get back at me
like our fight were not enough.

When you were angry when you told me to leave and i left without looking back
i knew you were crying but i couldn’t make myself turn to comfort you
Because i realized if i went back, we will never stop trying to hurt each other
And in the end, we might try to kill each other.
I never wanted that and i am truly sorry.

Wherever you are, just know i want you to be happy
You deserved to be happy after what we have been through
You deserve to have someone who makes you smile so wide
And who will love you so right
The way i can never.

xoxo,

R.

Till my dying breathe,

My body
My body remembers you
I remember even now
though I put away the pictures
of us smiling together
and empty out my heart
that was filled with you

Though I empty my heart
My body remembers you
the memory
the more I erase it,
the more vivid it gets
the memory
the more I hate it,
it comes closer like a…

Younha – Memory feat Tablo

Do you remember?

Those rooftop conversations, those smiles and those laughter that could wake the whole neighborhood.

oh wait, silly me.

How can someone dead remember anything but it is those living who are stuck in the loop of their own memories, their sadness.

but honey, you’re safe right now, where the demons in your head can’t get you.