your cold hands

I dreamt about you, its been 5 years since you left.

The pain has always been there but i got better coping with it but i dreamt of you.

We were on the rooftop, the same one where we would laugh making stupid jokes with the moon, where we got screamed at to get down or we might break our neck, where the night was beautiful and serene not filled with sadness.

I saw you, looking at me while i cried, feeling an enormous amount of pain in my chest, sitting there facing you and you looked the same, as beautiful as you always were.

I remember how cold your hands were, how they brush against my cheek and how you look almost apologetic.

I remember telling you how painful it was and how i wanted to die but you kept shaking your head and mouthing word i couldn’t hear making me cry harder.

I miss your voice, your laughter and that annoying groan you always made. I miss them so much and here i am, facing you but i couldn’t hear you and it was killing me but what scared me the most was when you got up and ran, past the rooftop.

I woke up scared and in tears. Its been 5 years but every dream involving you always scared me and leaves an enormous void afterwards.


And my sadness is chocking me

Everyone has their sad days and i am no different.

However now days, i find myself chocking on my own sadness with tears streaming down my face ever so often.

Some days i clutch my chest, trying to get use to the heaviness that has settle on the hollows of my veins.

Some days the though of cutting myself seems appealing but i have came too far from those days to turn back.

Don’t get me wrong, as dead as i feel on the inside, i have an amazing support group but the thing is, they don’t understand.

They think its just another bad day that seemed to drag on and on but they can’t understand the heaviness in my heart, the tears staining my cheeks and the tightness in my throat.

The feel of wanting to disappear or even worst, to die.

I can’t seems to get out of bed to function even for work and when i come home, tears threaten to spill at ungodly hours.

They told me it would kill them if i died but what about me? I can’t stand being alive anymore.

A Girl who can’t move on, a girl who can’t leave

Can you imagine, its been 3 years since you left.

I called your mom today, she was shocked but happy and so was i. She is the only person who reminds me of you especially her laughter and i miss that.

Its been 3 years and i still carry the guilt. I was naive to think everything was okay, i was naive to think you were happy or maybe it was just me hoping you’ll get better. Such a fool aren’t i?

Time change and so have my taste,

i began to realize this, after starting my first full time job.

Our type of ideal changes as we move on to different stages of our life, be it age range, a change of job or a change of environment.

When i was way way way, my god way younger, my ideal was someone cool, who could play the guitar, someone whose hair was probably the height of a tsunami with all that hair wax, someone when you walk down the street with, people will go like ” oh my god, isn’t he wow”

but when i grow slightly more older, A&F model were in, with those hot bods and dazzling commercial perfect white teeth and brownie points if he could pull off specs, like

And then came a time where korean guys were basically the cause of my rising blood pressure and nosebleeds along with my anime characters which strangely are fictional ( GOD DAMN IT)

However, as i went through stages of my life, i realized, yes i will always have a fetish for anime guys, yes i would tend to favor people who are animal lovers more than the rest and people who don’t give a shit  and also lip bitters,

but my ideal type will constantly change and i am okay with that because life moves on, people change and so does preferences.

And beside, my idea of prince charming would probably be the furthest thing from my actual date and that would be horrific but you know what people say,

“Those are where the good stories are made up off, ”

well that saying could be wrong, but we’ll just go with it



” with a drink in hand, my screen lights up and your name pops out, i looked at it before turning it face down and downing my shot. i wipe my lips and lit my cigg, laughing to myself. honey, i’m trying to be sober for you but the though of losing you scares me more, please don’t come closer cause if you leave me suddenly, it’ll bring out the worst in me”

But i didn’t have the courage

Hello Munchokins,

For being away for so long and also for being lost on my own wordpress, i swear to god i was literally lost. It looked like everything had changed but maybe it hasn’t really.

Before we start, please kindly watch this video here because i will be talking about it somewhat, i mean the topic is related and yes, IT IS KPOP.

It goes round & round, why do I keep coming back
I go down & down, at this point, I’m just a fool
Whatever I do, I can’t help it
It’s definitely my heart, my feelings but why don’t they listen to me
I’m just talking to myself again, talking to myself again

A couple of years back, i met someone who did stole my heart but i kept him hidden because i didn’t want the world to know who he was. We were not in a relationship but we hanged out and we were friends but at times it felt more than that and i admitted my feelings for him. I told him that you have always been on my mind and he said the same thing, it should have been the happiest day for me but let me clarify this first, we were not a couple. We admitted but we didn’t jump straight into it. We wanted to take our own sweet time and so we were clearly dating.

Cat actually met this guy before and she hated him from the moment she saw him, she kept saying he will be my downfall and true enough he was. Things were good at first, the honeymoon period but so after that, things changed so drastically. He stopped caring about me and everything was growing one sided where i would do anything to see him smile but he stopped doing the same.

It was killing me on the inside, i was sad and very unhappy and yet, i still cling on like a fool. I admit now i was foolish but how long can someone hold on to someone who doesn’t see their existences.

I didn’t have the courage back then, i didn’t have the courage to leave, i didn’t have the courage to ask him why have things changed and i certainly didn’t have the courage to ask him how he truly felt.

I remember one day, on a rainy evening, i finally left and i started thinking to myself, is this karma? I used to date people and majority of the time, i left without giving anyone an explanation, i didn’t bother giving them the closure they needed. I just left and i was doing the same thing now expect the tables have turned and i was in the spot that needed the closure.

And needless to say, he didn’t bother coming to find me and when i heard this song, so much memories came flooding back and i am thankful that part of my life is now over and i can keep moving forward.


Mariam R.

It is hard,

Ever so often i asked to be left alone,
Because i am scared about what people would think of me
When they see my scares, when they see how vulnerable i can be

The though itself scares me
I, the one who is always strong
I, the one who always smile no matter what happen
I, the stubborn, the bitchy, the one who makes inappropriate jokes

am scared,

Will they still stay when they see how broken i really am,
Like a broken mirror who can’t be fix
with its crack showing

Will they stay when they see the real me?
The one that doesn’t always smile
The one that is vulnerable
The one who needs someone with her but she is afraid to say so

Ever so often i asked to be left alone
But this time, i need someone with me who won’t let go.



Frozen heart

Ever since the first day i talked to you,
You made my frozen heart beat
Like a frozen Popsicle
It is slowly melting

Your smile makes me smile
Simply because it looks good on you
That happiness glow
I want that too

But why,

Why aren’t you being truthful to me?
Why do people say things that i cannot see,
Why do you tell other differently from what you told me,

I, who is smitten
Why can i not see?

I, whose heart was meting froze up again,
I, who was smitten am taking a step back

Could i have been blinded all these while?



For the last time,

i just want to look in your eye for the last time
i just want to feel you and know that you are still here with me

The sadness, they never left
The scars they are starting to show again
And i can’t keep them hidden anymore
What do i do?

I want to run and hide but every time,
i see you more and more often
it scares me

Love, can’t you bring me with you?
The scars are scaring me and

I need you here with me,