Some who don’t let go,

Hello munchokins!

Now some people don’t let go due to specific reasons and usually we don’t see that. We find these people annoying, irritating and just a past that doesn’t want to be forgotten. They keep popping out and we get very annoyed and we tend to lash out at them. I have been there and i also found out why.

When i published my open letter for the world to see, she would read it and of course came a lot of fights and i had these Fuck It attitude and i honestly could not be bothered until she started pulling my friends into the drama and that just pissed me off. I am like, “DOOOD, your fight is with me not the whole world” and i was in a pretty mad mood for a few days but things changed when i saw her broke down right in front of me. I honestly did not want to have anything to do with her, i was just tired of all this reality drama worthy shit that i just let out a sigh and looked at her.

But something changed when she told me she needed help, she said ” I can’t go on like this, i am so tired”

That snapped something in me, those were the phrase of someone who was falling into depression and i knew what depression could do. Without thinking, i told her she needed help and that i would help her. She was surprised and she asked why i didn’t hate her after everything that has happened.

I just kept quiet and i told her to look into counselling and managed to get the support of her mom who was readily on board. I mean she was worried sick for her daughter.

Lets fast forward a lil bit,

I didn’t see her for a week or two or even three  and she called and asked if we could really talk. Now i hate this word because normally it would lead into a fight but i was curious to see how she was. so we met up and lets be honest here, she didn’t look so great but she was getting better, she had the smile i used to adore and the things is, she is smiling.

A rare sight like a blue moon or an eclipse or a narwhale! That rare!

So we sat and talked and i asked polite questions like ” How are you, how is treatment, are you on medications, are you feeling better ” and she laughed and told me to slow down.

She is on medication, anti depressants and she does weekly counselling and it seems to be helping and she is slowly getting better and we talked about how we both were and she said

” The only reason why i cling so hard was because you were there when my parents broke up, you were there when it was a life changing moment for me, you comforted me and i just could not move on from that. I realized that now, ”

and that actually made sense to me. Every emotion that i have associated her with like anger, annoyance, sadness, irritated ( not sure an emotion or not but yeahhh), they disappeared and i smiled.

Don’t ask me why i smiled but i just did and told her it is a start to recovery, acceptance is a start.

tooodle dee you guys!

xoxo,

M.R

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Oh gosh, where do i start?

Hello munchokins!

Since my last open letter and my Starbucks observation journey which i have not wrote about, a lot of thing has happened and i am honestly not sure where to start from.

2015 has proven to be a crazy year so far and i will just start with the starbucks and follow up post will be about other issues and just what has been going on.

So i went to Starbucks for a quick observation because i just wanted to read people’s body and i wanted to go see where i was going with that but was not really interesting cause the place was kinda empty except for a few students studying for god knows what and this man happen to catch my eye. He was the barista and i love how he wears an air of elegance around him, how his hair was backcombed back and love the mini beard or mustache he was keeping, very well trimmed and very neat.

He kinda caught me staring and i had to play it cool and smiled at him which he returned one of course.

so i got bored and started reading my book and then i got distracted then this guy like in the corner caught my attention.

He was talking loudly and people presumed he was angry because my god, he sounded like he just wanted the entire Starbucks and the person he was chatting with to go deaf. I MEAN DOOOD, too loud no?

But as i observe him, he wasn’t angry because his body language was saying things like he was chilling, he was cool and he didn’t mean trouble and he just has a loud voice because when he was ordering coffee, he apologized to the barista and said he was born to be loud.

And i actually giggled when i heard that.

so yeah nothing interesting at all.

Toodle dee you guys!

xoxo,

M.R

It is hard,

Ever so often i asked to be left alone,
Because i am scared about what people would think of me
When they see my scares, when they see how vulnerable i can be

The though itself scares me
I, the one who is always strong
I, the one who always smile no matter what happen
I, the stubborn, the bitchy, the one who makes inappropriate jokes

am scared,

Will they still stay when they see how broken i really am,
Like a broken mirror who can’t be fix
with its crack showing

Will they stay when they see the real me?
The one that doesn’t always smile
The one that is vulnerable
The one who needs someone with her but she is afraid to say so

Ever so often i asked to be left alone
But this time, i need someone with me who won’t let go.

xoxo,

M.R

So tomorrow at Starbucks,

HELLO YOU GUYS!

I know i have stopped writing because lets be honest,
2015 hasn’t exactly started on a good note and i am still trying to come into terms with what i have been facing.
How i am coping with it and that is why now i just write out my thoughts

For those who are uncomfortable,
Please feel free to leave because i do know some people will be uncomfortable and that will never be my intention
My purpose of writing my thoughts is to come into terms what my mind has cluttered thoughts about
No clue if that made sense
But i feel that i need to write it down to get it out.

For those who are still willing to read,
I thank you and welcome you on this rollercoster with me,
My journey will not have rainbows and everything nice
Sometimes it gets really morbid
Sometimes it can be really light

Anyway back to the topic at hand,
I love people watching and i haven’t been able to do that lately
So an impromptu decision was made
Tomorrow i shall head down to Starbucks and just people watch

And i will put my thoughts into writing and see where it goes?

i haven’t really thought about it but it seems pretty exciting.

so what do you say,

Want to go on this journey with me?

xoxo,

M.R

Frozen heart

Ever since the first day i talked to you,
You made my frozen heart beat
Like a frozen Popsicle
It is slowly melting

Your smile makes me smile
Why?
Simply because it looks good on you
That happiness glow
I want that too

But why,

Why aren’t you being truthful to me?
Why do people say things that i cannot see,
Why do you tell other differently from what you told me,

I, who is smitten
Why can i not see?

I, whose heart was meting froze up again,
I, who was smitten am taking a step back

Could i have been blinded all these while?

xoxo,

M.R

For the last time,

i just want to look in your eye for the last time
i just want to feel you and know that you are still here with me

The sadness, they never left
The scars they are starting to show again
And i can’t keep them hidden anymore
What do i do?

I want to run and hide but every time,
i see you more and more often
it scares me

Love, can’t you bring me with you?
The scars are scaring me and

I need you here with me,

xoxo,

M.R

I Believe it is time, to let go

Alone

you guys have no idea how many times i actually backspace what i wrote but i honestly just don’t know how to put it out there.

we have been hurt and thus, the walls were built.
As high and mighty there are, we make ourselves believe we are safe,
Safe from everything that can make us cry
But honey, you know that is a lie
The higher the walls grow, the more lonely it becomes

Just liked a caged bird,

xoxo,

M.R

Probably page 25 of 356 by now,

When i like/ love or even care for someone, your gender never plays any role in it because i have accepted you as you are and i don’t think about anything else and this is probably why when i fall for someone, i throw gender out of the window.

No one really knew what happened to us,
A lot of people assumed and even though who thought they knew
I can say that they really don’t know.
They saw us fight but did they really knew what was going on inside of us?

I never planned to write or mention about you because it is nearly 3 years and
i know for a fact that you hated me and i believe it was my fault we became like this
I was a fool to be honest, i jumped too fast and i leave too fast
And i always wondered why, why would you even stick by someone like me.

Don’t get me wrong, i have always cared about you,
Before and after everything that happened,
Through the fights and the words we threw at each other insensitively,
I honestly cared about you and i know for a fact you do read my wordpress and
I just wanted to say, i’m sorry.

I am sorry we fucked up
But i didn’t regret leaving you, you must know that
We brought out the worst in each other, the most horrible nature we have,
We brought it out of one another
I thought this was the best way for us to break the cycle.

Remember the fight we had, that changed everything,
That made everything went downhill to the point i was insensitive and you were clingy.
looking back, i realized we both never had a chance to talk about it,
We let the assumptions rule and we began tearing each other apart.
We stopped caring and let our nails draw blood.

Looking back, it was pretty painful really.
I do regret what i have said and how i acted,
I was the reason you cheated on me and
I hated the fact you were tearing yourself apart trying to get back at me
like our fight were not enough.

When you were angry when you told me to leave and i left without looking back
i knew you were crying but i couldn’t make myself turn to comfort you
Because i realized if i went back, we will never stop trying to hurt each other
And in the end, we might try to kill each other.
I never wanted that and i am truly sorry.

Wherever you are, just know i want you to be happy
You deserved to be happy after what we have been through
You deserve to have someone who makes you smile so wide
And who will love you so right
The way i can never.

xoxo,

R.

Page 24 of 356

it is officially the 24th of January in Singapore and it is 24 days passed new year and my new year resolution and would it be too late if i still wish everyone?

But what not, i am still going to wish everyone

HAPPY NEW YEAR YOU GUYS! MAY YOU HAVE A BLESSED 2015!

Now here is the thing, after the wishing comes the resolutions and might have been pretty much been the same or to say, i never gave much thought of it because i am a fickle minded person and yeah, you know what happens after that but i was on tumblr and i saw this,

2014 was a roller coaster for me. Internship was a bitch but i survived and i am actually pretty thankful for it because it really opened my eyes to what the medical life really was like and now that i am doing FYP, it feels like a desk bond job which i get some people really like but i’m not the kind to sit still.

After since my birthday, things really went downhill from there. I was struggling to keep up with work, life, studies, exam and pretty much everything else then my brother came back out of no where and i had to provide for him as well and it really put much stress on me because i was not earning much but family is family and i would do anything to protect them.

With that being said, i was struggling yet i managed to find joy, my new work. Working in the museum is an eyeopener, i am not kidding. I have seen art in it’s various forms and i always wondered ” What inspires them, can i ever be like them, to proudly hold my own artwork exhibition,”

I wondered a lot honestly and from there, it shaped my new year resolution.

So my NEW YEAR RESOLUTION is simple

– continue my 2014 resolution to get fit and lose weight
– To find joy’s in the little things in every aspect of my life no matter how hard life gets
– To be financially independent
– To stop jumping in head first and take a moment to breathe.
– Spend more time with the family.
– To read 19 books by the end of this year!

And what my friends want me to include,

To curse less and be a better person when playing games and to not drink coffee and get so hyper that by 7pm, i turn into grumpy cat.

On a quick side note,

They most definitely are and just keeping hanging in there!

Toodle dee!

xoxo,

R.

Till my dying breathe,

My body
My body remembers you
I remember even now
though I put away the pictures
of us smiling together
and empty out my heart
that was filled with you

Though I empty my heart
My body remembers you
the memory
the more I erase it,
the more vivid it gets
the memory
the more I hate it,
it comes closer like a…

Younha – Memory feat Tablo

Do you remember?

Those rooftop conversations, those smiles and those laughter that could wake the whole neighborhood.

oh wait, silly me.

How can someone dead remember anything but it is those living who are stuck in the loop of their own memories, their sadness.

but honey, you’re safe right now, where the demons in your head can’t get you.