How long has it been? MYGOD

i came back to wordpress today and my god, everything looks and feels different,
how long have i been away?

Truth be told, i miss writing but being a working adult, i really feel like 24 hours is really not enough especially when you work in shifts.

Everything becomes too tiring and there are days where i actually don’t snuggle with my cat because i get to tired to drag him to bed with me and it feels like a need a new job, something that is more engaging and stable and mostly, that allows me to stop running after time and breeze walk with it.

oh my, what have life become,

xoxo,

MR,

Some who don’t let go,

Hello munchokins!

Now some people don’t let go due to specific reasons and usually we don’t see that. We find these people annoying, irritating and just a past that doesn’t want to be forgotten. They keep popping out and we get very annoyed and we tend to lash out at them. I have been there and i also found out why.

When i published my open letter for the world to see, she would read it and of course came a lot of fights and i had these Fuck It attitude and i honestly could not be bothered until she started pulling my friends into the drama and that just pissed me off. I am like, “DOOOD, your fight is with me not the whole world” and i was in a pretty mad mood for a few days but things changed when i saw her broke down right in front of me. I honestly did not want to have anything to do with her, i was just tired of all this reality drama worthy shit that i just let out a sigh and looked at her.

But something changed when she told me she needed help, she said ” I can’t go on like this, i am so tired”

That snapped something in me, those were the phrase of someone who was falling into depression and i knew what depression could do. Without thinking, i told her she needed help and that i would help her. She was surprised and she asked why i didn’t hate her after everything that has happened.

I just kept quiet and i told her to look into counselling and managed to get the support of her mom who was readily on board. I mean she was worried sick for her daughter.

Lets fast forward a lil bit,

I didn’t see her for a week or two or even three  and she called and asked if we could really talk. Now i hate this word because normally it would lead into a fight but i was curious to see how she was. so we met up and lets be honest here, she didn’t look so great but she was getting better, she had the smile i used to adore and the things is, she is smiling.

A rare sight like a blue moon or an eclipse or a narwhale! That rare!

So we sat and talked and i asked polite questions like ” How are you, how is treatment, are you on medications, are you feeling better ” and she laughed and told me to slow down.

She is on medication, anti depressants and she does weekly counselling and it seems to be helping and she is slowly getting better and we talked about how we both were and she said

” The only reason why i cling so hard was because you were there when my parents broke up, you were there when it was a life changing moment for me, you comforted me and i just could not move on from that. I realized that now, ”

and that actually made sense to me. Every emotion that i have associated her with like anger, annoyance, sadness, irritated ( not sure an emotion or not but yeahhh), they disappeared and i smiled.

Don’t ask me why i smiled but i just did and told her it is a start to recovery, acceptance is a start.

tooodle dee you guys!

xoxo,

M.R

Oh gosh, where do i start?

Hello munchokins!

Since my last open letter and my Starbucks observation journey which i have not wrote about, a lot of thing has happened and i am honestly not sure where to start from.

2015 has proven to be a crazy year so far and i will just start with the starbucks and follow up post will be about other issues and just what has been going on.

So i went to Starbucks for a quick observation because i just wanted to read people’s body and i wanted to go see where i was going with that but was not really interesting cause the place was kinda empty except for a few students studying for god knows what and this man happen to catch my eye. He was the barista and i love how he wears an air of elegance around him, how his hair was backcombed back and love the mini beard or mustache he was keeping, very well trimmed and very neat.

He kinda caught me staring and i had to play it cool and smiled at him which he returned one of course.

so i got bored and started reading my book and then i got distracted then this guy like in the corner caught my attention.

He was talking loudly and people presumed he was angry because my god, he sounded like he just wanted the entire Starbucks and the person he was chatting with to go deaf. I MEAN DOOOD, too loud no?

But as i observe him, he wasn’t angry because his body language was saying things like he was chilling, he was cool and he didn’t mean trouble and he just has a loud voice because when he was ordering coffee, he apologized to the barista and said he was born to be loud.

And i actually giggled when i heard that.

so yeah nothing interesting at all.

Toodle dee you guys!

xoxo,

M.R

It is hard,

Ever so often i asked to be left alone,
Because i am scared about what people would think of me
When they see my scares, when they see how vulnerable i can be

The though itself scares me
I, the one who is always strong
I, the one who always smile no matter what happen
I, the stubborn, the bitchy, the one who makes inappropriate jokes

am scared,

Will they still stay when they see how broken i really am,
Like a broken mirror who can’t be fix
with its crack showing

Will they stay when they see the real me?
The one that doesn’t always smile
The one that is vulnerable
The one who needs someone with her but she is afraid to say so

Ever so often i asked to be left alone
But this time, i need someone with me who won’t let go.

xoxo,

M.R

For the last time,

i just want to look in your eye for the last time
i just want to feel you and know that you are still here with me

The sadness, they never left
The scars they are starting to show again
And i can’t keep them hidden anymore
What do i do?

I want to run and hide but every time,
i see you more and more often
it scares me

Love, can’t you bring me with you?
The scars are scaring me and

I need you here with me,

xoxo,

M.R

Probably page 25 of 356 by now,

When i like/ love or even care for someone, your gender never plays any role in it because i have accepted you as you are and i don’t think about anything else and this is probably why when i fall for someone, i throw gender out of the window.

No one really knew what happened to us,
A lot of people assumed and even though who thought they knew
I can say that they really don’t know.
They saw us fight but did they really knew what was going on inside of us?

I never planned to write or mention about you because it is nearly 3 years and
i know for a fact that you hated me and i believe it was my fault we became like this
I was a fool to be honest, i jumped too fast and i leave too fast
And i always wondered why, why would you even stick by someone like me.

Don’t get me wrong, i have always cared about you,
Before and after everything that happened,
Through the fights and the words we threw at each other insensitively,
I honestly cared about you and i know for a fact you do read my wordpress and
I just wanted to say, i’m sorry.

I am sorry we fucked up
But i didn’t regret leaving you, you must know that
We brought out the worst in each other, the most horrible nature we have,
We brought it out of one another
I thought this was the best way for us to break the cycle.

Remember the fight we had, that changed everything,
That made everything went downhill to the point i was insensitive and you were clingy.
looking back, i realized we both never had a chance to talk about it,
We let the assumptions rule and we began tearing each other apart.
We stopped caring and let our nails draw blood.

Looking back, it was pretty painful really.
I do regret what i have said and how i acted,
I was the reason you cheated on me and
I hated the fact you were tearing yourself apart trying to get back at me
like our fight were not enough.

When you were angry when you told me to leave and i left without looking back
i knew you were crying but i couldn’t make myself turn to comfort you
Because i realized if i went back, we will never stop trying to hurt each other
And in the end, we might try to kill each other.
I never wanted that and i am truly sorry.

Wherever you are, just know i want you to be happy
You deserved to be happy after what we have been through
You deserve to have someone who makes you smile so wide
And who will love you so right
The way i can never.

xoxo,

R.

YOU SAY I SAY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND!

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Hello you wonder wonderful wonder people!

On 6-7 December was ma birthday weekend which i of course didn’t go to party, instead i skipped work to spend time with my family because granny’s birthday was on the 6th of December and mine was on the 7th of December so the whole family decide to go for a buffet on the 6th of December and we all had a good time! Well, not really, the food was horrible and the selection was pretty little and not very tasty except for the Laska which still was,

and just before they were closing, the staff surprised me with this!

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i was super duper surprised because it was really unexpected and we go there like every year and i had never gotten a cake from the staff before so this was really a nice change but the problem was i am not a huge fan of cream cake but nevertheless, i chow down on it because it was super nice of them and i really appreciated the effort!

After a filling buffet dinner, we all went to meet my auntie’s first son who is married and already has kids at a nearby Macd because the kids wanted to go playground and you would think the older ones including me to sit out and chill at Macd cafe, you were wrong, we all jumped at the opportunity to play at the playground and brought the little kids with us and we were having fun running around and trying things. This shows just because you are older, does not mean you can’t enjoy yourself and we went back at nearly 12am and i was surprised when the birthday wishes started coming in!

I am the kind of person that does not need the whole world to wish me but only those close to me and i had to unfortunately work on my birthday which was a bummer but it was nice to see familiar faces and the next day was a schooling day and got home from work just to do my Final Year Project log sheet 2 and slept late and woke up early to continue it and i had exams in the afternoon.

And something small and shitty happened but i put that past and my best friend came and  she gave me this!

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It was a Pre-Birthday gift as she told em the actual one was coming at the end of the year but OH MY GOD! IT’S MINT IMPERIALS IN A MASON JAR!!!! I mean what else would you need when you have that and a hand written letter by the people who love you? Well she didn’t give me the calculator and the Asian geographic magazine ( which is mine and it finally came on time!!)

All that happened on Monday and on Tuesday, I received another gift,

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IT IS LIKE A TOTAL OH YESSS! you guys know how much i love innisfree and i literally cannot live without their shampoo because it really does clean the scalp and the little package was from Bayu and there were earrings inside! me love them too! And the box was a patootie pie! It has horses or pony and it was super cute!

And a week before that, Kitty kart, one of my bestfriend came over to my place to hang and i unfortunately got a flu on that day and was sneezing my nose off but before she left, she gave me this!

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No words can express how blessed i am to receive such wonderful and amazing gift from the people i love and cherish! I know i can be a shitty person at times, i curse too much, i nag too much and sometimes i bitch too much but thank you for sticking by me till the very end and surprising me!

I love you guys very muchie!

And that concludes my birthday weekends and surprises!

toddle dee you guys!

HAVE A BLESSED WEEKEND!

xoxo

R.