” with a drink in hand, my screen lights up and your name pops out, i looked at it before turning it face down and downing my shot. i wipe my lips and lit my cigg, laughing to myself. honey, i’m trying to be sober for you but the though of losing you scares me more, please don’t come closer cause if you leave me suddenly, it’ll bring out the worst in me”


Being sad is really okay!

I have begin to realize that people actually don’t think it was okay and perfectly fine to be sad,

which is amazing to me because sadness is an emotion that every living breathing creature has on earth, even my cat feels sadness when i leave him for too long

Sadness is a perfectly natural emotion and it honestly is okay to be sad, to be emotional, to be angry, to be upset and to cry. I honestly see nothing wrong in it.

What made me realize was when a friend of mine who reads my blog and  sneakily does it asked me a question regarding my old post where i was upset with my mom,

conversation went like this,

Friend : Why are you sad,

Me : Cause of my mom, shit happens.

Friend: Don’t you find it weird telling me people how sad you are,

Me : no, sadness is normal and why should it be weird,

Friend : I don’t know, i find it weird

Me : well, i am not good at verbally telling people i am sad but me writing it down just lets it out

Friend: Okay, i guess but it is still weird.

I was surprised because there are people who think being sad and telling it to people is weird but i am here to tell everyone that being sad is okay, being sad is normal, crying is alright and you shouldn’t hide it.

What i have learnt is never bottle up your sadness because it leads to depression and it makes you feel so horrible that the thought of committing suicide is appealing to you,

And i would never ever want anyone to kill themselves because it is such a painful feeling to live with for those around you,

I am here to tell you that being angry is fine, being sad is fine, being upset and crying is fine and if your friends say it is not fine, they are not your true friends because if you are telling someone how sad you are and they shut you off, screw that bitch because you do not deserve it. You deserve someone who is going to lend you their ears and shoulder and cry with you if they need too.

But sweetheart, it is a thin line to depression with sadness and you need to know that if you start feeling sad all the time, empty and the key point, feeling that suicide is okay, Please, i beg of you to seek help because it will fester and become so much more worst.

I know how depression feels like and the best remedy, i think would be having your friends around you and slowly telling them how you feel. It is tough, trust me but it is a stepping stone to get better but you have to put in the effort because change will not come unless you want it. Let your friends encourage you and for those who knows people who are depressed, never stop encouraging them because words are so powerful. Positive words and constant reminder can do amazing things

If these does not work for you, please get professional help because the world has so much to offer and i don’t want you to leave it behind.

And on that note, if you feel sad and you want someone to talk too without the feeling of being judge, my ears and inbox are all ready, let me help you through and take that small step with you, let me cry for you instead of you crying,

and let me tell all of you, if you feel like this,


then let me,

Hug you till you feel better. Even if i might not understand, i don’t need too because you just need a hug!

and with that,

Toodle dee everyone!

and remember,



it’s depressing.

it’s depressing and it is painful, 

i started this wordpress to let out all the sadness i felt in my heart and from there, i started to write all that was on my mind. 

and the good news is my birthday is coming! i was born on 7 December but the sad thing was i am no longer spending my birthday skyp-ing with Catherine, my beloved deceased cousin. 

it is sad, it is painful and it still brings me to tears till this day. 

i am scared that on my birthday, i’ll wait by my laptop hoping for a miracle that has been long gone. 

I just want to hold you close one more time, to tell you i am sorry for everything and how i couldn’t protect you from yourself and how i miss you and wish you were still here. It’s painful, it really is and i hate having to let you go.

i honestly never wanted to let you go, i still want to hang on but it is impossible right? 

Till this day, i refuse to remember the day the phone call came, the day they told me you were gone and the day they told me that you killed yourself. i refuse to remember the conversation and how many times i dreamt of you because all this is too painful and i am trying so hard to make it seem i am okay, i am trying hard to be happy when there are days i just want to break and ask myself why did i let it happen. 

All that i want to remember is us sitting on the rooftop, counting the starts and making lame jokes and getting screamed at by our parents telling us to get down. 

Those are the only memories i want to remember, nothing else apart from that. No sadness, no heartache, no tears and no pain. just pure happy memories where you and i are smiling and laughing, where the cold night breeze was sin our hair as we laughed the night away. 

Everyone is sad on the inside but some people are just better at keeping it hidden when it is tearing them apart and they are trying to make themselves seem happy because they hate having to explain themselves. 

some days, i just tell myself i can’t be happy because you aren’t there and then i realized how stupid i sound and start crying all over again. 

on the side note, i am sorry for the depressing post but i just had to let it out. i hope you guys do have a great weekend and chin up okay? The weekends are coming 😀 

love you guys!


i can’t stand how happy you are.

‘Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn’t need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don’t know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?


Clarity- zedd


i can’t stand how happy you are after everything that happened, after you left me with the pains and the memories. 

You seemed so happy that i end up believing you don’t remember me any-more, that i am a past memory you would willing forget just like that and it hurts me because i realize how much lies came out of your mouth. 

So much me being your twin, your best friend and so much for being able to read each other like a book.  Everything was a lie wasn’t it? I hated myself for believing you were different and thinking you would stayed but in the end, you left just like them. 

and yes, thanks to this, i don’t want to get closer to people any-more because in the end, they are just going to leave like you so why bother? Keep them at a distance and i won’t get hurt right? 

I’ll admit sometimes i took you for granted and let my ego soar but that has always been the way i protected myself. I had always hated feeling so vulnerable and open but when you left, i was at my most vulnerable and that scared me. 

I hate this feeling. I can’t stand how happy you are now and yes, call me selfish but i find it unfair that I’m the only one still suffering. 


He left

He left, what else can i say? 

i thought things were going well actually. i confessed telling him that i liked him but i didn’t want to date him. It wasn’t the time and i was going off on an adventure which i have yet to blog about ( My apologies )

He was cool with it because people were always confessing to him. Now here is the thing, i’m not even sure if’s its because of his looks or personality but sometime when we fall, we fall without any reason and i was one of them. I went on my adventure and came home 1 weeks later to find out he was already smitten by another girl. Part of me was surprised because i left for 1 weeks and you already found a replacement? 

and this sucks because for the past few months, i had already grown so attached to him. He was there through happy times, sad times and we had our tiff and all but we were still doing okay but now that he is smitten by some other girl, all he do is talk about her. At first it was okay but after a while, god please kill me. It was too much. 

And honestly i hate this because the only reason why you are talking to me is because you want to tell me about her but your over-doing it and you weren’t acting like my friend anyone. You were acting like some obsessed kid and we stopped talking because of it and because you were too busy with her anyway . 

And when finally, finally a A came by who wants to make me smile and be happy,i keep pushing him away and being the bad person because i’m afraid to get hurt again. I’m not like you. I can’t move on so easily and  when i told him with my other babes ( We have a group chat ) 

the conversation went like this 

him : i see you found my replacement. 

me : well you started first. 

him : you sure about that? 

me : you wanted this . 

and i wasn’t happy over the comment because i was over thinking and confronted him and things didn’t go so well. 

and now, i’m trying to keep myself busy so i don’t think about you. I miss my friend, i miss the guy who could talk nonsense to me and send 9gag picture over whatsapp just to share with me and we’ll keep exchanging them and laughing, the guy who would sing some love ballad making me go ” What in the world is that “

I just want you to be you and not some love struck obsessed guy. 

I want you back. 

but it’s impossible cause love got you smitten and i’m here trying to keep you off my mind.

and A, 

I am so sorry for being the bad person. I am so sorry i have been pushing you away because of my own securities, i am sorry for everything and i hate the fact that you are always so understanding and i am so blessed but please, just go. Your making me feel like a bitch, some heartless bitch. I want you to go, i want you to be happy and not hang around me till your heart can’t take any more. Please, just save your heart before it gets hurt. It’s not meant for me. It’ mean for someone who is willing to make you smile and laugh and not me, the one who keeps fighting with her demons and always pushing you away. I hate this so much sometimes. I want you to be happy but not like this. 

Please just go, 

I can barely handle my heart and i can’t bear to hurt yours. 

much love,